Lies We Tell Ourselves
by beaglelover719
Summary: After another brutal case JJ makes a decision that will have a ripple effect throughout the team and her family. AU JJ/Hotch
1. Chapter 1

**Prologue - Lies We Tell Ourselves**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**A/N – This story is a big change for me – one, this chapter is mostly narrative which is something I'm not really big on personally, and two, its more drama than comedy which I'm much more comfortable with. Then there is the storyline. Not a big fan of infidelity so I'm not sure how it popped into my head. But, I am trying to grow as a writer and that means trying different stuff. Please let me know if I've completely missed the mark. Also, due to content I'm beta free as she is a Will fan. Here's the thing. It's not that I don't like Will but I doubt the character would have ever been brought back to CM had the actress AJ Cook not become pregnant in real life. **

The scene was all too familiar, only this time it wasn't Emily fighting for her life it was Reid. The latest threat to the BAU had been apprehended and wouldn't be interfering with their lives any longer but none of their lives would ever be the same. Same story, different day JJ thought sadly, wondering again as she had so often of late if this was all life had to offer her.

After being assured that Reid was fine and would fully recover they left the hospital. The remainder of their rattled, tattered group had gone back to the hotel and went their separate ways. JJ said a quiet goodnight as she exited the elevator and made her way to her own room lost in her thoughts.

She went through the motions of calling home and speaking to her husband, assuring him of her safety, and telling him she would be home the following day. Then she scalded herself in a hot shower trying to wash away imaginary blood she wasn't sure would ever come off.

Seeing Reid broken and knowing that he could have died snapped something inside of her. Life was fragile. It wasn't as though they didn't face conflict before, they had, and they would again she was sure. But now all she could think of was what she was missing in her life.

She paced her hotel room wondering what Hotch was doing. It was something she found herself doing far too frequently lately. She wondered if he was holding it together or if he reached out for someone to help him through the pain. Too often they depended on his strength to carry them through. He'd always seemed infallible to JJ. Except he wasn't, none of them were. It was that reality that had her leaving her room and heading towards his.

She paused briefly outside the room that she knew was his. She had a habit of knee jerked reactions that she ended up regretting once the adrenaline was gone. What she planned on doing wasn't right and it wasn't fair. But she was so tired of thinking and worrying about everyone else. For once she wanted to do something just for her. Again she questioned if he were alone. They were in New York it was possible he called his girlfriend. The thought of him entwined with Beth made her nauseous, angry, and sad.

~~CM~~CM~~

JJ lay staring at the ceiling, afraid that the slightest move would wake him and reality would come crashing back in. She had known how the night would end the minute she'd knocked on his door his hair wet from his recent shower and barefoot.

There had been many times she felt the desire to seek him out before but she'd always resisted. He was married. She was in a relationship. She was married. He was in a relationship. In the end it hadn't mattered. She knocked anyway.

Hotch had answered the door immediately. It was almost as if he'd been expecting her. As she lay awake thinking she wondered if that was true. Wondered if he had times where he laid awake wondering what she was doing, wishing, wanting to go to her. She liked to believe that was the case, that her feelings were reciprocated. He wouldn't have been able to make love to her like he had if he didn't have some affection for her. She lifted to her elbow to look down at him.

Despite the bruises on his face from the battle that he fought earlier he looked peaceful and serene. It wasn't a look she typically associated with him. Unable to help herself she reached out and brushed a lock of hair that had fallen onto his forehead. He looked so youthful in his sleep. Her hand caressed the side of his face. So carefree. So unlike the man that usually carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. It was another image she would carry with her when she left the room. It was a different side to the man that she'd been irrevocably in love with for as long as she could remember.

She should have reminded herself when she gathered the courage to come to him that she would also need to have it to leave him. That sobering thought had her fleeing to the edge of the bed. Taking a deep breath and praying that her knees would support her she made an attempt to stand, only to be grabbed from behind. A strong arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her backwards. Apparently he'd only been resting, not asleep, as she had originally thought. Dark brown eyes regarded her somberly.

"Don't leave." Hotch's voice was thick with emotion. He'd known that she was working up the courage to walk out the door. He laid there feigning sleep knowing that he had to let her go. He'd almost talked himself into when he felt the bed shift and couldn't help reaching out to her. He'd waited far too long for her to come to him to begin with. He wasn't ready to let her go.

He'd known that her warm, generous nature wouldn't deny him. He felt his body's reaction to her settling back down at his side and wondered if he would ever be able to see her and not picture her in the throes of ecstasy.

He had wanted her long before this evening and he'd always been able to stay away. But she took the decision out of his hands when had come to him. He'd been powerless to refuse her. Now he wasn't sure he would have the courage necessary to let her walk away.

He let out a sigh as her body molded itself against his. He decided would worry about tomorrow later. Right now all he wanted to do was surround her soft perfumed flesh with his own, he told himself as he wrapped his arms around her.

Hotch hadn't thought question her presence when she'd shown up at his room. He knew, of course, the decent thing for him to do would have been to turn her away. As much as he might wish differently she wasn't his. But one look in her eyes had him drawing her to him. They were both tired of fighting the attraction.

The soft kiss she placed over his heart had been his undoing. The sweet touch ignited a fire. Their clothes were quickly shed and then he was pressing into her, their bodies straining against one another. It was an activity that would be repeated several times during the night. As battered as his body was, it found solace within hers.

He felt her lips turn up in a smile, no doubt at the evidence of his arousal. He wanted to apologize, not wanting her to believe this is all he wanted from her, but he didn't know how to vocalize his feelings. Then she was crawling over top of him and settling on to him and his brain turned off.

Dusk was creeping into the room when she shuttered with her release. As she started to wind down he flipped her onto her back and pounded into her, building her back up, pleading with her to take the fall with him. He swallowed her cries as she broke apart around him, pulling him along with her. He rolled over once more to his back, bringing her with him, her small body blanketing his. Even as he went flaccid he remained within her snug channel refusing to separate from her.

When he woke several hours later he was alone.

**Thanks for reading. Please let me know your thoughts, I'm kind of nervous about this one.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**A/N – This is how I hope Beth's appearance in the season finale goes. Don't get me wrong, I want Hotch to be happy, I do. And I understand that JOTCH is only going to be realized in fanfic; however, I frigging hate the character of Beth. It began with her deduction of the fact that because he wore a suit that he must work for the FBI…**

Hotch scrubbed a hand over his face as he finished packing his suitcase. He'd known she couldn't stay, yet he'd still been disappointed to wake and find her gone. He sank down on the bed, elbows on knees and dropped his head into his hands. The knock on the door took him by surprise and had him racing to answer it.

"Thank god…" He began speaking before he opened the door, certain of who was going to be on the other side. His words faltered as Beth appeared before him.

"Oh my gosh, Aaron." She advanced into the room her hand reaching for his discolored face. "Are you okay?" She questioned, cupping his cheek lightly.

He blinked, unable to comprehend her sudden appearance. "How did you find me?" He asked gruffly.

Beth frowned at him. "Your brother Sean told me how to find you." When she hadn't been able to get a hold of Hotch she managed to connect with his brother. "Why didn't you tell me you were in the city? I had to see it on the news. I saw _you_ on the news."

His eyes were distant as he explained to her, "I wasn't here for leisure, Beth." He wasn't ready to have the conversation with her that he knew he had to.

"I know that. It's just, I could have used a head's up. I was at work when the breaking news interrupted. They identified you by name on the report and I wasn't even aware that you were in the city." She criticized. "Do you know how embarrassing that is?"

Hotch looked at her dumbfounded. "You're upset because you were unaware that I was in the city?"

"All of my colleagues saw the report. I've mentioned you to them so of course they knew who you were." And she had looked like a fool not knowing he was local, she attempted to play it off but she was sure her co-workers realized she had been in the dark.

Just when he thought he couldn't be surprised any more. "Why would you even discuss me at work?" He wanted to know.

"They want to know about my significant other." She replied simply.

"Yes but the nature of my business requires a certain level of anonymity. You shouldn't be discussing me at all. Certainly not by name or the fact that I work for the FBI." He stated plainly. The fact that he was deliberately vague about his work should have told her it wasn't a topic for discussion.

Deliberately missing the point she huffed, "Your colleagues are aware of who I am."

"You met my coworkers at a non-work related function. We do not gossip about our personal lives in the office." He said flatly, effectively ending the subject.

His tone and attitude took her by surprise. "You know, I think coming here may have been a mistake." She certainly hadn't thought he would chastise her.

Rather than placate her like she expected and wanted he nodded in agreement. "Like I said, I'm not in the city for leisure."

She attempted to rectify the way their meeting was going. It was obvious he was distracted. Then it hit her. "Is your colleague okay? The news report said he was gravely injured." She should have realized that he was preoccupied with concern over his friend.

Hotch thought of Reid lying in the hospital. The man had a shit year but he was young and he was strong. And he was surrounded by a team who loved him and would see him through this latest obstacle. "He'll be okay." Hotch replied thickly.

Beth gave him a soft smile. "I'm glad." She glanced around the room taking notice of the suitcase on the bed. "Are you leaving soon?"

He wasn't sure what he was doing. He woke up in the morning feeling lonelier than he had when he discovered Haley had left him. "I'm checking out this morning. I plan on going back to the hospital and then I'm not sure." He admitted.

She nodded her head. "Oh. Okay." Maybe he had planned on checking in with her later and she disrupted his process. There was obviously something going on with him.

Hotch continued. "I have reports that I need to write and I'm sure that I'll have to answer some questions about how this case was handled." He let out a heavy sigh. There was bound to be a lot of questions. They were going to have to prove once more that the BAU still provided value, still closed cases. As ugly as this fiasco was the team did good work and this mess shouldn't take away from that. He looked up from his pondering to find Beth staring at the bed questioningly.

"Did you have company last night?" Her cheeks were flushed with anger as she pointed out the two distinctive dents in the pillows. She walked closer to the bed and pulled a long strand of hair off of a pillow. She held it up in accusation. "What is this, Aaron?"

Hotch stared mesmerized at the piece of spun gold, recalling how JJ's hair fanned out behind her head as she lay on the pillow, and how it felt like silk when he threaded his fingers through it. "It looks like a strand of hair."

"Who's hair?" Beth demanded.

Hotch shook his head not wanting to get into it. "That's not important."

"Oh my God!" She shrieked. "Here I am worried to death about you, no wonder you're not answering your phone, and you're in your room banging some cheap whore."

If she thought her words would entice him to engage with her she was sadly mistaken.

"Aren't you going to say anything? Don't you think you owe me an explanation?" She demanded.

He pursed his lips, studying her for a long moment, before answering honestly. "No, I don't." What happened between he and JJ was no one's business.

She was about to unleash the full extent of her fury when another knock sounded at the door. She didn't miss the hopeful glance he gave as he quickly strode to the door and threw it open. She couldn't see who was on the other side of the door yet but she could tell by the way his shoulders drooped that it wasn't who he was hoping it was. The fact that he was hoping for someone at all told her more than she wanted to know.

"Gee, don't look so happy to see me. Who were you expecting?"

"That's a good question, one that I was wondering myself." Beth said, making herself known.

Rossi was surprised to find her in Hotch's room. The fact that he hadn't sought her out or attempted to inform her that he'd be in New York told him much about the state of their relationship. He looked at Hotch curiously. "Am I missing something?" He glanced back and forth at the pair.

"Your friend had a sleepover last night. I think he was hoping that you were her coming back." Beth made her way over to the door and paused dramatically. "Do you have anything to say to me Aaron?"

Hotch looked at her wishing he could find the words necessary to apologize but the reality was he couldn't be sorry about the previous night, the only thing he would possibly change was the fact that he'd awoken alone. "Thank you for stopping by Beth."

His easy dismissal stunned and deflated her. She couldn't stop the hot rush of tears that flooded her eyes. "I cannot believe that I thought you were so different from other men. You're not." She told him angrily. "Do me a favor and lose my number."

Rossi stood aside as she brushed past him abruptly. He barely spared her a glance as he entered the room, closing the door behind him. His eyes lighted on the rumpled bed. "Please tell me this doesn't have anything to do with JJ having already checked out of the hotel." He didn't miss the guilty flush on his friends face. "Son of a bitch."

"Leave it alone, Dave." Hotch advised.

"Jesus, Aaron. What the hell where you thinking?" The older man barked. "She's married for Christ's sake."

"You think I'm not aware of that?" Hotch replied miserably.

Rossi studied his friend. For once all the barriers that usually surrounded him were lowered and he easily picked up something that he'd suspected once before, in his initial introduction to Jennifer Jareau. "You're in love with her." He waited for the denial. When Hotch remained stoic he growled, "Christ, Aaron, you have to realize how hopeless this is." He watched as his friend swallowed harshly then turned to him with wet eyes.

He didn't bother to deny the charge, rather he confirmed it by stating, "Then let me have my one night in peace."

The enormity of it was too much for David Rossi. He sunk in the room's lone chair.

Hotch went back to packing his suitcase. Finishing the task he closed it and removed it from the bed. Visions of the previous night continued to haunt him. Had Rossi not been in the room he would have lifted the pillow to his face in the hopes of catching her scent. He turned and looked at the man in question. His eyes shot up in surprise as he realized that he'd poured himself a tumbler of scotch. "Dave, it's nine in the morning."

"Yeah? Well it's been a shit couple of days." Rossi shook his head, still reeling from the revelation of his friend's rendezvous. "How long?"

Hotch knew what he was asking. "Does it matter?"

"That's what I thought." He shook his head again. "What are you going to do about it?"

Hotch looked at him bleakly. As if he had options. He planned on continuing to love her from afar and treasure the one night that they had together. "There is nothing I can do." A stronger man would have turned her away but he proved his own weakness where she was concerned.

"Bullshit." Rossi stated boldly. "It hasn't escaped my notice that we're in your room. JJ came to you last night." He stated baldly.

"So?"

Rossi rolled his eyes and chose to point out the obvious to his deliberately obtuse friend. "So she knew what she was doing and made the conscious decision to do it anyway."

Hotch tried to explain away her turning to him the previous night. "She was hurting…"

"Right, you keep telling yourself that while you go home to an empty house and take care of business yourself." Rossi scoffed. "Listen Aaron, I like Will, he's a decent guy and he doesn't deserve this but I love you. You're my friend and you do deserve this. You deserve to be happy. I'm sorry that Will has to be hurt in the process but listen to me, you love her and as sure as I'm sitting here, I'd be willing to bet my last dollar that JJ feels the same for you."

"JJ loves Will." Hotch stated woodenly, not wanting to get his hopes up unnecessarily.

Rossi nodded. "I'm sure she does. He's the father of her son. But as she went back to her room last night and dealt with the ugliness of the day when she decided she needed to feel alive she turned to you."

"She could have just as easily turned to you or Morgan." He hated himself for even thinking the thought.

Rossi looked at him angrily. "You don't believe that any more than I do. You're going to be a martyr about this aren't you? You're just going to pretend it never happened while it eats you up inside."

"I'm going to follow JJ's lead." Hotch said tiredly. "The fact that she was gone when I woke up tells me a lot."

"Bullshit." Rossi repeated. "You're reading too much into the wrong detail." He stressed. "_She came to you_. And I'm sure it wasn't something she did lightly. She didn't knock on your door because she had an itch she wanted you to scratch. Because if that were the case, you're right, she could have gone to anyone. But she didn't, she came to you." He reiterated.

"Then I guess I'll just have to wait for her to come back, won't I?"

**Thanks for reading! Thank you to those of you that reviewed and those who are following the story. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**A/N – Sorry this has taken me so long to post. I've got a lot going on both at work and home and it's seriously interfering with my FF! **

~~CM~~

JJ let herself in to the small suburban home tiredly. Leaving her suitcase by the door she trudged her way down the hall to her son's room. She peaked in to discover him sleeping soundly, sprawled across his youth bed. Tears sprung to her eyes. She had single handedly destroyed her family. She turned and looked at the master bedroom. Two days ago she would have arrived home, donned her pajamas and joined her husband in the bed. That was no longer an option.

Wiping angrily at the tears that cascaded down her cheeks she turned to leave the hallway. The wedding picture on the mantel mocked her as she passed the living room on her way to the kitchen. She flung herself in a chair and rested her head on her folded arms. The emotion of the last two days overwhelmed her. That was how Will found her.

"Jennifer?" He stood on the threshold of the room and studied his wife. "What's wrong? Did Reid's condition change?" He couldn't imagine what would have his wife sobbing her heart out.

JJ froze she hadn't realized that he joined her in the room. She wasn't prepared for what she had to tell him. She lifted her head. The genuine concern in his eyes made her physically ill.

"Oh God, Will."

He crossed the room immediately to pull her into his arms. "What, what is it, babe?"

JJ shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She pulled back and looked at him.

Will looked at her swollen, blood shot eyes. "What's going on, chere?"

JJ closed her eyes, needing to block the worry in his. She straightened her position and backed away from him. Once again she wiped at a steady stream of tears. Then she turned to him knowing that what she was going to say was going to rip his heart out. "Will, I did something."

He frowned, clueless as to where this conversation could be heading. "Did you have to shoot someone?" He knew from experience that could be emotionally upsetting.

The question threw JJ. "What?" He had immediately associated her grief with work. "No." She shook her head. "Nothing like that." If it were only that simple.

"JJ, sweetheart, talk to me, there is nothing you can say to me that I won't understand." He told her encouragingly, eager to relieve her pain.

"I slept with someone." JJ blurted out.

Will blanched and stepped back as if physically struck. "What?"

She took a deep breath and prepared to repeat herself. "I …"

Will's hand struck out to prevent her from saying anything more. "Stop, please don't say it again." He looked at her with hurt and confusion written all over his face. "I don't understand."

How could she possibly explain? Especially considering the only remorse she felt was over the fact that her infidelity hurt Will and would hurt Henry by default. She could not regret the act itself.

The honest misery on her face had him searching for excuses for her. "Did you just need to connect with someone after yesterday?" He still didn't know exactly what happened. They didn't discuss work overly much, they dealt with a lot of ugly stuff that didn't need to be revisited. It wasn't healthy to dwell on it. But he knew that Reid was in the hospital. JJ might have needed her to reaffirm that she was still alive. Hell, that's how he managed to get her to marry him. The thought flashed through his mind and had him recoiling almost immediately.

JJ watched as the emotion cross his face. She wasn't sure what to say. There was no excuse for her behavior. She'd known what she was doing when she had gone to Hotch's room. She had voluntarily sought him out.

Will wiped at the tears that were now freely flowing from his eyes. The thought of another man touching his wife made him ill. He studied her for a moment. He knew that she wouldn't have just gone to a bar to pick up a random stranger which could only mean… "Who?" He questioned hoarsely.

JJ's eyes widened. "What?" She hadn't considered that he would want to know who she slept with.

"Who was it?" Will asked gruffly.

JJ shook her head. "It doesn't matter." But it would of course, the betrayal would only be worse when he realized who she went to.

Will let out a mirthless chuckle, "That's a point we will disagree on. I want to know which member of your team came to you when you were vulnerable."

Again he assumed that she was, if not quite innocent, less culpable. JJ shook her head. "It wasn't like that Will." She said softly.

"Bullshit. You were reeling from what happened to Reid and one of those bastards played on your emotions. I know that you wouldn't go to a bar and pick up someone random so it had to be someone that you trusted and were comfortable with. I want to know who it was, Jennifer."

The words spilled out of her mouth. "No one sought me out."

He understood the meaning immediately. "What are you saying, JJ?" The pain was evident in his tortured question.

"I, I'm going to go and stay with Pen for a while." She informed him softly knowing that her words were only going to cause him additional pain.

Will swallowed hard then reached out for her. "JJ, we can get over this, we can." He looked at his wife in agony. "Just, tell me it was an accident. That you didn't mean for it to happen. Promise me it will never happen again," He pleaded.

JJ shook her head sadly. "It wasn't an accident, Will. I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you that it was."

"Jennifer." He grabbed the back of one of the kitchen chairs and sunk on to it. "I love you." He choked out. "Please don't do this."

"I would give anything to not hurt you."

Her words gave him hope. "There, it was an accident. You just said..."

JJ went over to where he sat and knelt beside him. "I was reckless and selfish and I regret that. I do love you, Will, I never intended to hurt you." Yet the irony was she had done just that with her actions.

"Are you in love with him?" He asked tightly. At the sight of her renewed tears his head dropped. "Jesus, JJ."

Her voice was barely audible as she stated miserably. "We shouldn't have gotten married." He looked up at her horrified. "Before the bank robbery we were talking about splitting up." She reminded him.

"We got through that!" He told her angrily.

They hadn't really, they just ignored it. JJ told him as much. "No, we didn't. We glossed over it. We…"

"Well maybe you should have tried working on our marriage instead of fucking another man." He interrupted, angrily.

JJ accepted his anger. "You're right, I know what I did was wrong, Will."

Will's fury left him quickly, leaving him despondent. "But you don't regret it." He repeated morosely. "What do we do now?" Her expression clearly indicated her sorrow but under it he could see firm resolve.

"I don't know." She told him honestly.

~~CM~~CM~~

"I don't understand." Garcia said for the tenth time in as many minutes. She gladly opened her home to her friend she just didn't understand why JJ need the shelter.

"It will only be for a short while until we figure out what we're going to do." JJ assured her. Will hadn't balked when JJ asked to take Henry with her while they were sorting things out.

Her eyes puffy from everything that happened the previous day, the technical analyst stared non-comprehensively at her friend. "But - I don't understand."

JJ knew there was no way that she was going to get around telling her friend the truth. Biting the bullet she confessed. "I cheated on Will, Pen."

Garcia's mouth dropped open in surprise. "JJ! What? Why? What on earth would possess you to do something like that?"

Not trying to excuse her actions she simply said. "Do you know how close we come to dying weekly?" JJ asked her. "As I washed Reid's blood from my body all I could think of was how fragile life was and maybe next time we wouldn't walk away. I'm sorry I know it's a bad excuse. I know I was wrong. I just, I couldn't stay away from him any longer."

Garcia's eyes grew big realizing that she was in for a monumental disclosure. "Who are we talking about, Peaches?" She questioned hesitantly, afraid that she already knew the answer.

JJ looked at her. "Do you really have to ask?"

Penelope opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again. "You slept with _Hotch_!" She accused. She watched the telling flush crept up her best friend's face. "Oh my God, you did! Tell me everything." She demanded. All thoughts of the impropriety was forgotten as she asked, "Was it good, was he good?" She whistled lowly when JJ's face went bright red. "He was! You know that I won't stop until I get it out of you so you might as well save us both the trouble and just spill."

"You're ridiculous, you know that right?" JJ replied on a bubble of laughter that ended on a sob, she was glad that she'd chosen Pen to come to. She moved over to the couch and sat beside her friend. "I'm an awful person, Pen."

"Oh, Sweet Cheeks. I know that's not true." Garcia slung her arm across JJ's shoulders and hugged her tight. "I might not necessarily agree with your actions but that doesn't mean I think you're a bad person."

Her head resting on her friends shoulder JJ said quietly. "There have been so many times that I've wanted to go to him and I've always resisted but I just couldn't last night."

Garcia had not been with the team in New York but she knew that the emotions ran high when faced with the situations that they so frequently found themselves in. She also knew JJ well enough to know not to judge her. "So I'm guessing this thing with Hotch isn't just a fling? You know, you came, you saw, you're done."

JJ shook her head and sniffled. "I'm pretty sure it's a little more serious than that."

"Okay then." Garcia rested her head on top of JJ's silently wondering what the fallout of this would be. "Oh, Jay. How's Will handling it?"

"He's incredibly hurt." She didn't know that she would ever be able to get the vision of him crying out of her mind.

Garcia gave a slight nod. "That's understandable."

"I know that I did this backwards. I should have dissolved my marriage before I gathered my nerve to go knock on Hotch's door."

"Yeah, it would have probably been better for all parties." Garcia agreed.

"I know that Pen. I acted impulsively. I'm sorry that I did but I can't be sorry that it happened." If one night was all she ever had with Hotch she would count herself fortunate.

"I can't believe he let you come back here and face the music alone." Garcia was finding herself surprised by a lot of things her boss was doing.

JJ winced and admitted. "I, uh, kind of left the hotel before he woke up this morning." She wasn't proud of the fact but she didn't want to stick around for a conversation. Even knowing that she wasn't free to pursue a relationship herself she hadn't wanted to hear from him that what happened was an isolated incident and couldn't happen again or worse, having him tell her it was a mistake.

"Wow, you... Oh sweetie, you're a hot mess." Garcia graciously pointed out.

JJ nodded as the tears resumed. "I know. Jeez Pen, I've made a mess of everything. What the heck was I thinking?" She cried. "I knew about a month into the wedding that I'd made a mistake. Will and I had been talking about separating before everything happened." She confided. "But when I almost lost him that day all I could think about was how empty my life would be without him in it."

"Sure." Pen agreed, not completely surprised at the revelation. There had always been tension in the relationship due to the nature of JJ's work and her unwillingness to give it up.

"Don't get me wrong." JJ stated, continuing to talk. "I love Will, he's the father of my son and I'll always care about him, but I'm not in love with him. I knew that and I married him anyway. I thought we could work it out. I thought it would resolve itself." She sighed then repeated what Will had commented earlier. "He's convinced that it would have probably helped a lot more if I stayed out of another man's bed."

Garcia wasn't sure she could handle all the honesty. Although it did make so many things fall into place. "Maybe, but maybe not, from what you've been saying this was kind of inevitable. You were already thinking divorce. That and you've always been a little bit moony eyed over our esteemed leader." She let out a huge sigh. "JJ, what are you going to do about Hotch?"

JJ bit her lip. "I told you, Pen, I'm not sure what to do about anything."

"Don't you think you should talk to him and let him know what's going on in your head? Even if it's to say hey, I need time to think? You know, this isn't exactly conduct that I would have expected from him." She thought this behavior rare for the normally principled man.

JJ frowned. "What do you mean?"

Garcia shrugged. "It just surprising, he is loyal and honest to a fault yet it appears he didn't hesitate when you showed up at his door. He's in a committed relationship as well. So I have to wonder, how does Hotch feel about you?"

JJ had considered that on her flight and cab ride home. "I don't know. I was afraid to stay and find out. I couldn't stand the thought that he turned to me for convenient comfort."

"I hardly think that was the case." Never one to shy away from a hard question Garcia wanted to know. "JJ, are you ending your marriage to be with Hotch?"

"Will asked the same thing." JJ admitted.

Garcia's eye popped open. "He knows it was Hotch?"

JJ shook her head vigorously. "God no! He asked if I wanted out to be with another man."

"What did you say?"

"No. I told him the truth. I honestly don't know what is going to happen with me and Hotch, but if anything my night with him taught me one thing."

Garcia gestured for her to continue.

"Will and I both deserve more than what we have. He deserves far more than I can give him."

"What does that mean exactly?"

JJ sighed. "It means Will deserves a wife that loves him completely and unconditionally. That's not me, as much as I wish it could be me it's not."

"Maybe you just need to step back and..."

"And what Pen?" JJ snapped, angry at herself not her friend. "I've been lying to myself for years, the only time I've been honest was when I knocked on Hotch's door."

Garcia stared at her in surprise. "You're in love with him." She said in complete awe.

"Yeah, I am." She admitted.

**Thanks for reading! Thanks for the reviews and follows. I appreciate the interest and support.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Lies We Tell Ourselves Chapter 4**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**A/N – I'm finding it hard to get back into the headspace I was in when I started this. Other than I wanted the couple to just be selfish and go for it, let the chips fall where they may. Even though it sooo goes against my personal beliefs. There I just confessed to being a nut! Sigh. I have by no means given this up it's just taking me longer due to personal stuff and work. **

~~CM~~

"So you're not even open to the idea of counseling?"

JJ closed her eyes briefly and sighed at Will's question. It had been a week since she informed him that she'd been unfaithful and moved in with Garcia. After the initial shock had worn off they went through a daily ritual of the five stages of grief. They were apparently going to skip denial and anger and move straight to bargaining today. "I am willing to go to family counseling with you to figure out how we move forward. I can already see that this is confusing Henry."

Will nodded as if his point had been made for him. "There you go, don't you think we should put Henry first?"

He had gotten into the habit of bringing Henry's wellbeing into every conversation and it wasn't the first time he implied that JJ was being selfish. She was sure it wouldn't be the last. "If you're suggesting we stay married for the sake of our son, then no, I don't think it's a good idea. It won't work. I'm saying that I'll see a family counselor not a marriage counselor."

Will moved until he was standing beside her. "We're good together, JJ, don't throw away everything we have because you have some infatuation with one of your coworkers." He looked at her pointedly.

JJ realized they were at the stage where he once more tried to determine who it was she had been unfaithful with. She chose to ignore it. "I spoke to my lawyer yesterday."

His eyes blazed as he snapped back. "Good for you. So did I, he tells me that I have a pretty good case for full custody."

JJ realized they were backtracking to the anger stage and again she did her best to defuse the situation. "I'm sure he's right. I hope that's not what you want to do…"

"You need to leave the BAU." He announced flatly. "If you don't I'll sue for full custody and take Henry and move back to New Orleans." He threatened.

"Will." JJ tried to reason with him. She wasn't sure whether he was serious or just trying to call her bluff. She had already assumed that he would use the full custody card.

"I meant it, Jen. You want a divorce, fine I'll give you a divorce. But you're not going to get to go off on your merry way screwing Morgan and having me here babysitting our son."

JJ stared at him for a long minute. "So you're saying that you're agreeable to shared custody as long as I leave the BAU." She refused to comment on his remark about Derek. Really, Derek? She thought, unable to believe that was who he thought she had an affair with.

Will's face crumpled. "No damn it. I want to fix our marriage. I want you back here with me. You and Henry both, we're a family."

JJ tried to point out they were beyond that stage, at least she was. "Say I agree to come back here, Will." JJ stated. "What then? You make me quit my job?"

He seemed to give that some consideration. "Well you can't work with someone that you slept with." He felt necessary to point out.

The curling of her hands into fists was the only sign that JJ was getting annoyed and tired of the arguments. Regardless that it was she that had brought this all on herself. Frustration had her commenting, "I never said it was one of my coworkers, you just assume…"

"Then tell me who it is." Will demanded. "Don't you owe me that much?"

JJ sighed, wishing she wouldn't have agreed to a conversation. It was only going to end up getting out of hand and resulting in either a screaming match or tears. "It doesn't matter."

"It does," He argued, "Because you fancy yourself in love with whoever it is. So I know it wasn't some random guy. Is it Rossi?" He watched closely for a reaction. "Hotch?"

Again, she didn't respond, she had schooled herself not to. "So I quit my job, then what? Where do you suppose we go from here? You told me yesterday that the sight of me makes you physically ill."

He saw her remarks as a sign that she was wavering. "I didn't mean it. I'm angry, JJ. You slept with another man."

His voice broke and JJ knew that he was close to tears. "You're right, I did. And I'm sorry that I did that to you. I'm sorry that I'm not happy being married. I don't want to hurt you Will. But I can't do this any longer."

"But we were happy." He disputed.

"Were we?" She challenged. "I mean, do really believe that? We fought all the time." It hadn't gotten to the point where everything was a battle or at the very least an argument. It had gotten to the point where they couldn't seem to agree on anything. And at times they each and sometimes both did their best to avoid the other.

"Not all the time." Will responded sullenly.

"No, you're right. We didn't fight when we weren't in the same room." She smiled at him softly to ease the sting of her comment and he gave a crooked grin back.

"I'm not used to giving up." It was a strategy that had worked well for him up until now.

"Look at it this way, now you have a chance to get the kind of wife you want. You know, one that is home when you get home and one that wants to fill the house with babies." She sat beside him and took his hand, squeezing it in hers.

His shoulders drooped, the fight having gone out of him. "You're sure that can't be you?" He asked sadly.

JJ shook her head. "I'm sorry, Will."

~~CM~~CM~~

She wasn't sure what she was doing. After kissing her son goodbye and leaving her home she drove around aimlessly thinking. Somehow she ended up in front of her boss's home. She parked the car at the curb and sat there for a moment not sure whether she should approach the house or not. The decision was taken out of her hands when Hotch knocked on the car window.

"Do you plan on sitting out here all night?" He asked when she turned her startled gaze towards him.

"I hadn't decided." She realized looking at him how much she missed seeing him. For a minute she just drank in his appearance.

"Do you want to talk?" He asked patiently. "I could make a pot of coffee, or tea if you prefer."

"A cup of tea sounds good." She hit the button to roll the window up as he opened the car door.

Hotch closed the door behind her as she exited the car and placed his hand at the small of her back ushering her up the walk to his home. "You look good, have you been okay?" When she only nodded he continued speaking. "They are going to release Reid tomorrow. His doctor is pleased with his progress. Morgan is driving him home."

"I know I spoke with him this morning." She entered the front door that he held open for her. This was her first time inside the small home he recently purchased. The proximity to his sister-in-law's home had been the ultimate reason for the move but she was charmed by it nonetheless. The cottage style home surprising suited him. "Where is Jack?" She asked, taking in the silent home.

Hotch smiled. "His Aunt Jessica is treating him to dinner and a movie for his interim report grades." He held her elbow as he guided her through the family room and small dining room to the kitchen. He didn't say anything as he reached for the kettle and filled it with water.

JJ took a seat at the small kitchen table and watched him silently as he move efficiently through his tasks. "You're probably wondering why I'm here."

He finally turned and met her gaze. "I figured you would tell me when you were ready."

"Are you mad at me?" When he gave her an honestly confused look she added, "For leaving without saying anything."

Hotch walked over and sat down across from her. "I was disappointed." He told her as she studied her hands.

She raised her eyes to meet his. "I really screwed up. I…"

Hotch swallowed hard. "It's okay JJ." He said softly, letting her off the hook. "If you want to forget what happened between us in New York I will respect your decision."

She gave a barely detectable nod then blurted out. "Will is going to sue me for full custody of Henry unless I leave the BAU." She knew him well enough to realize that while he had only been bluffing earlier but he would make an issue out of it. He had her infidelity behind him to support his demands.

Hotch looked at her puzzled. "I don't understand."

"I told him that I slept with someone." A lone tear made its way down her cheek.

"JJ," His voice was calm and soothing, "Will is not going to take your son away from you." Hotch assured her, reaching across the table for the hands that she was wringing, wanting both to touch her, and to still her movements.

JJ shrugged. "He's made several comments. Today was the first time he's brought up leaving the BAU. They are always quick flashes of anger."

Hotch's eyes widened as he pinned her with a glance. "He hasn't hurt you."

JJ was quick to shake her head. "No, he wouldn't. He's just hurt and mad."

Hotch squeezed her hands in support. "Then why do you think he would take Henry?" He understood his anger and couldn't find any fault with it. He was well within his rights to be upset over what transpired.

"He wants to make a point." She sighed sadly. "He has every right to be upset. What I did was unforgivable."

Hotch watched as she silently berated herself. "Do you want to be forgiven, JJ? Because as angry as Will might be I'm sure certain that he would be willing to forgive the indiscretion." He knew as he spoke from personal experience.

The whistling of the tea kettle stalled her answer. She watched as he rose to go and turn off the stove, then as he fixed them both a cup of tea. She sat quietly watching as he prepared hers the way he knew she took it. The simple gesture made her smile. "You're right you know?"

Her voice brought his attention back to her. "How's that?" He had been lost in his own mind preparing himself to be relegated back to the role of boss, friend and the memory of their night together just that, a cherished memory.

"He would be willing to forgive me, he'd like nothing more than for me to tell him that it was a mistake that I hadn't meant to have happen and that it would never happen again." He had said as much to her himself.

Hotch nodded and waited for her to tell him that she was going to try to make things work with her husband. "Right."

"But I can't do that. I would be lying. Do you know why I left the other morning without saying anything?" She stood and walked to where he stood by the stove.

He looked at her longingly, wanting to reach out to her but understanding that he had to let her call the shots. "I, uh, no," He admitted, "I don't. I assumed it was because you woke up and realized you made a mistake."

JJ shook her head, silently regretting her rash behavior. "I was afraid that you would tell me that we both made a mistake and that it could never happen again."

Hotch looked at her in surprise and quietly stated. "As much as I personally like Will I can't be sorry for my actions last week."

JJ inched closer. "You don't think it was a mistake?"

"No, I don't." Hotch stated emphatically. "Ethically, it was probably really shitty of me to sleep with another man's wife but I will never regret it. I'm not sorry it happened. I'm sorry that it's causing you grief."

JJ inhaled sharply. Why oh why couldn't she have realized the depth of her feelings for him before she married Will. "Aaron, I'm leaving the BAU." As she made the announcement a trail of tears escaped her eyes.

Hotch stepped forward, reaching for her. "JJ, you don't have to leave, Will is going to relent. He's angry now…"

JJ just shook her head. "I'm leaving because I don't want anything standing between us the next time I knock on your door." She looked up at him startled that she revealed so much. "I mean, as long as you want me knocking…"

She didn't get any further as he pulled her into his arms and was kissing her enthusiastically. "You don't need to knock I'll give you a key. Come whenever you want." He told her as he thumbed away her tears.

"I've handled this so badly." She whispered.

"I probably haven't helped matters." He declared honestly.

JJ grabbed on to his hand. "This helps, knowing that you feel the same, that you want this."

"I do." He told her, leaning in to kiss her once more, tenderly. "I do." He repeated against her mouth.

JJ sighed it was amazing how the words sounded coming from him she thought with irony.

**Thanks for reading! Thank you for those of you who have left me comments and for those of you that are following the story. You make my heart happy! I hope you're still with me!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Lies We Tell Ourselves Chapter Five**

**Disclaimer: Not Mine**

**A/N – I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this. Life has gotten a little hectic. I'm trying to find some balance and get back into writing (and reading! I have a ton of stuff saved that I need to read.) **

Garcia intercepted Derek on his way to Hotch's office when the team reconvened back at work after a two week stand down.

"Hey, where you headed, Hot Stuff?" Garcia questioned, only to be taken aback by the fire in his eyes when they met hers.

Not answering her question he growled angrily. "Did you know?"

Garcia flushed guiltily. "Did I know what?"

Her expression had already given her away. "Damn it, Baby Girl." Derek hissed, wrapping his hand around her upper arm and pulling her into the seldom used filing room. "Spill." He ordered.

"I don't know what…" She began to deny.

"I had a very drunk, very pissed off, Will LaMontagne show up at my house on Saturday taking pot shots at me." He informed her angrily.

Garcia's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "He shot at you?" She squeaked.

"Pot shots, Baby Girl, he tried to punch me." He explained, watching her very closely as he added, "You know, on account of my sleeping with his wife."

"What!?" Garcia sputtered. "That's…crazy. Why would he think that?"

Morgan just looked at her letting her know that he wasn't buying her ignorant act. "I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that JJ moved out of their home and asked for a divorce because she told him that she slept with someone else." He intoned dryly. "Unfortunately she didn't name names so now her disgruntled mess of a soon to be ex-husband is doing a little profiling of his own."

"And he came up with you?" Garcia questioned with a snort. At his angry stare she wiped the smirk from her face. "Sorry. Not funny." She pressed her lips together tightly to keep from grinning. "This isn't funny at all." But the thought of Derek with JJ was proving to be a little more amusing than she could handle.

Derek shook his head angrily. "No, it's not funny. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on." He demanded.

As much as she loved Derek there was no way she was going to break JJ's confidence but his tone cleared away any lingering mirth. She looked up at him with wide eyes. "I wish I could but I don't know what you're talking about." She replied calmly.

Derek's brows shot upward. "Really? Because Will told me that JJ is ensconced in your townhouse until she gets settled. Not to mention the fact that the two of you have always been thick as thieves."

Garcia gave a little huff and conceded. "Oh, well, sure, that much I can confirm. Peaches is indeed staying with me temporarily. You know, it's not my place to comment on other people's problems."

Derek pursed his lips angrily at the well-established gossip. "Right. I forgot who it was I was talking to." He gave her a hard stare meant to intimidate her into blabbing. "Now how about you tell me how it is JJ and Hotch ended up horizontal."

If he thought his comment was going to illicit any reaction he was in for a surprise as Garcia remained astoundingly impassive. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, Special Agent Morgan."

Derek's eyes narrowed. "Do not play coy with me, Penelope Ann Garcia. I had to listen to her husband _cry_." He took advantage of the wince that crossed her face. "Yeah, not a lot of fun. You know, I knew that JJ returned from New York on her own separate from the team, but I didn't know why. I assumed that it was to rush back to her loved ones. Turns out she fled home to admit to her wrong doing." He paused to give her a chance to comment, when she didn't he continued. "You know, even though he's a shit profiler Will did manage to come to the conclusion that JJ wouldn't pick up a random stranger. On that point I have to agree. So that narrowed his suspect pool down to three." He looked at Garcia pointedly. "I just can't figure out his logic for honing in on me."

She barely blinked before chirping. "You are young and sexy. Kind of an obvious choice, if that's what a girl was looking for." Garcia offered with a shrug.

Morgan rolled his eyes not falling for her blatant attempt at flattery. "Yeah, unless you've ever been in the same room with me and JJ and realize that have more of a brother/sister vibe than horizontal hokey pokey partners."

"Oh yeah, there is that." Garcia agreed with a chuckle.

"So then the obvious choice would be Rossi. He has the reputation of the ladies' man. But you and I know it wasn't the obvious choice. It was the one that you'd least suspect." He growled crossly.

Garcia huffed out a breath and crowed. "It's kind of funny that you're the profiler and your least suspect was my obvious choice." Quickly realizing her mistake she slapped a hand over her mouth.

"I knew it!" Derek crowed triumphantly. "That rotten shit. What the hell was he thinking? Does he have any idea what he did?"

Growing angry at Derek's response Garcia snapped, "Shame on you, Derek Morgan. Are you in some way implying that Hotch took advantage of JJ or the situation?"

"I'm not implying anything Baby Girl. JJ is _married_. That in itself means she's off limits. Hotch knows better than that." He said disappointedly. "I like Will. This has torn him up."

Garcia frowned. "You know what, Derek? I happen to like all the parties involved in this fiasco. That's why I'm not judging _anyone_." She told him pointedly.

"I'm just looking at the facts." He argued back. "Both JJ and Hotch are involved with other people."

"Yeah, well, unfortunately I'm pretty sure that they are in love with one another." Garcia returned, inadvertently breaking her promise to JJ to not say anything.

The news caught Morgan by surprise. "Really?"

Going for broke Garcia nodded her head. "Really. It's easy to hear one side of the story and form and opinion but there was stuff going on in the background that we didn't know." At his questioning glance she continued. "Stuff like, did you know that before they even married JJ and Will were talking about separating?"

Morgan sighed heavily. "But they didn't, baby girl." He pointed out stubbornly. "They got married. Remember, big party, food, dancing. We were both there."

"No, you're right, they didn't and I shouldn't have said anything anyway." Garcia told him annoyed at herself for letting that much slip. "The point is what happens in JJ's personal life isn't any of our business."

"Easy to say when you're not the one ducking shots." Morgan grumbled.

"Eh, you're pretty agile." The blonde pointed out. "It doesn't look like he connected anywhere."

Derek sighed again. "You know, he's not going to stop at me. Now that I'm eliminated he's going to eventually get around to Hotch." And that worried him more than he liked to admit because Hotch wouldn't deny the affair. He also wouldn't try to placate Will or make excuses and he'd stand still and take the hit.

Garcia considered that for a moment before replying. "You know, the one constant I've had in this job is my absolute faith in Aaron Hotchner." She looked at him pointedly. "I'm pretty sure he can handle himself."

Derek shared his worry with her out loud. "Hotch won't swing back."

Garcia gave a quick nod and laced her arm companionably through Derek's. "Eh, so maybe he deserves a black eye."

The corner of his mouth kicked up in a smile. "Thought you didn't judge?"

"Don't misunderstand me, Derek, I still want him to end up with the girl but I do understand Will's hurt and I feel sorry for him. He doesn't, didn't deserve this."

"Giving Hotch a shiner isn't going to fix that."

"No, but maybe it will help him get some closure so he can get past the hurt and move on. Maybe confronting Hotch and realizing that this wasn't something they planned can help him do that."

Derek shook his head. "You never fail to amaze me."

Garcia giggled. "I get that a lot."

~~CM~~CM~~

Hotch looked at the resignation that had been left on his desk. In his wildest imagination he never suspected that the outcome of JJ's appearance in his room two weeks ago would lead to this. He wondered if he would have been strong enough to turn her away if he'd known this is how it would turn out. He shook his head to clear it, knowing that turning her away was never a possibility. He wouldn't have changed anything.

"Hey." Rossi poked his head in the door. "Looks like our leave is officially over, Garcia is requesting our presence in the war room." He turned to leave when he noticed that Hotch hadn't moved. "You okay?" He questioned moving into the office.

"Yep. Sure. Fine." Hotch mumbled, unfolding himself from his chair.

Rossi frowned watching him. "Yeah, that was almost believable. I can see with my own eyes that you're not okay. Shit. You haven't talked to JJ yet, have you?" He accused knowingly.

Hotch snickered. "I thought it would be best to let her initiate the contact." That's where they left things. She would come to him when she was free to. He pushed the letter towards Rossi.

"What's this?" The older man asked as he picked up the missive. His face darkened as he read the contents. "You're not going to let her do this, are you?"

"I'm not sure what you think I can do to make her change her mind." Hotch scoffed.

Rossi looked at him incredulous. "So that's it? You're just going to let her walk away?"

"I've always followed her lead. I don't see any reason to change that now." Hotch commented calmly, not wanting to have this conversation with his friend again.

Rossi exploded, "Damn it, Aaron."

He was working his way to full steam when Hotch stopped him. "It will be okay, Dave. JJ knows how I feel about her."

"Did you tell her?" Rossi wanted to know.

"Let's just say my actions left little room for misinterpretation." The fact that she'd shown up at his door at all told him that she had been very aware of the depth of his feelings towards her. The passion that he'd exhibited on their one night together should have clarified any doubt. But vocalizing the way he felt for her would have put her in a more precarious place than she already was and he refused to do that. Right now the best thing he could do for her was give her the space she needed.

"God damn it, I knew you were going to be a fucking martyr." Rossi said angrily, once more preparing for a tirade.

Hotch shook his head in denial. "I've waited this long, Dave, I can afford to wait a little longer."

Rossi held the resignation up. "She's breaking ties. She's probably working on fixing her marriage." He ranted, ignoring the visible tick on the side of Hotch's face.

Hotch blew out a calming breath. "Dave, if JJ thought her marriage could be repaired she would have never come to me in the first place."

The simple statement took the wind out of his sails. He looked at his friend with some newfound respect at his insight. "Huh. So what now? You just wait until she seeks you out again? How can you be so sure she will?"

"Because her actions were pretty clear too." He shared simply with a slight smile. "You see that as an ending." He gestured to the resignation Rossi still held. "I choose to view it as a start of something new."

"I hope you're right, pal." Rossi told him with a slap on his shoulder as they exited the room.

"Have a little faith, Dave."

~~CM~~CM~~

The war room was pretty thin with the absence of both Reid, who was still out on medical leave, and JJ. Hotch addressed her absence straight away. "As I'm sure you can all clearly see we are currently two men down." He took a fortifying breath. "I spoke with Reid a little while ago. He is still recuperating but he should return to desk duty within two weeks." He paused to allow the room to have a little celebration before breaking the bad news. Clearing his throat he uttered, "Unfortunately though, JJ has chosen to tender her resignation."

Morgan shot an angry glance at Penelope who did her best to ignore him and avoid all eye contact.

"Why?" Morgan asked Hotch pointedly, wanting answers from him.

Hotch looked at the perturbed man and shrugged. "According to her resignation she felt it was time to do something different and she received an offer that was too generous to refuse."

"That's bullshit!" Morgan argued.

Every eye in the room turned to Hotch. A brow raised in question at Morgan's outburst. "Would you like to see the note?" Hotch challenged, silently wondering what the man knew.

His tone managed to quash Morgan's temper slightly. "Well, what are we going to do?" The man wondered tiredly, frustrated by the situation. Here they were one man, or in this case, woman, down again. He was starting to really not like the month of May.

"We find a replacement." Rossi put in. "There's not much more we can do."

"Can we make a counter offer?" Morgan suggested a touch petulantly, still shooting Hotch with hostile glances.

Hotch gave a tight smile. "I wish we could but I'm pretty sure her mind is made up."

Not ready to give in yet Morgan debated, "But we could try. JJ loved this job. We've got to do something."

"Jennifer Jareau doesn't do anything she doesn't want to." Garcia said sharply, piercing both Morgan and Hotch with a look. "She doesn't do anything on a whim."

"Why do I suddenly feel there is a lot more going on here than is being said?" Blake asked, looking between the pair questioningly.

"Nothing is going on. We've got an opening at the BAU." Hotch made the statement with a finality that no one was willing to challenge before turning the meeting over to Garcia and let her brief the remaining team on their latest case.

Once they had their assignments and were dismissed the team began to file out of the room. Morgan had once again latched on to Garcia's arm when Hotch halted them.

"Just a moment please, Garcia." Morgan reluctantly released her. Hotch waited until the room was clear before he shut the door. "How is she?"

She made another attempt at evasiveness. "Sir?"

Hotch's smile was more genuine this time. "You didn't bat an eye when I announced JJ was leaving. Your silence spoke volumes."

"Oh." She sometimes forgot there was little the man missed.

"Is she doing okay, Penelope?" They had agreed to stay away from each other until she was truly free to date who she pleased but he was finding it hard to be away from her. He missed her, more than he had imagined possible.

JJ felt confident that in time Will would eventually calm down but until that happened they wouldn't disrespect his feelings by flaunting their newly admitted ones in his face. When Hotch agreed to her decision he thought it was going to be easier. After all he had loved her from afar for a long time without any hope that it would ever be anything more.

Garcia was surprised by the emotion behind the question and what she could read in his usually stoic face. "She's got a lot to sort out, sir." She stated. Then, unable to help herself, she asked, "Why haven't you called her?" She wasn't sure she was ready for a lovey, dovey JJ and Hotch but she had been surprised at the lack of any contact.

Hotch sighed, then answered as candidly as he could, careful not to reveal too much. "I'd like to, but I want to give her the freedom to make the choices that she needs to without my influence."

His honesty surprised her and she couldn't help the response that flew out of her mouth. "Kind of late for that don't you think?" She winced as Hotch flushed a little but didn't take the bait. Going for broke she asked a question that had been bothering her since she learned of their liaison. "How is Beth, Hotch?"

"Leave it to you to not mince words, Garcia." Hotch gave a dry chuckle and shrugged. "I assume that she's doing fine. I'm no longer dating her if that is what you're not so subtly asking."

Garcia narrowed her eyes, he was being pretty open but she wasn't sure she should push it. "I was. You know, I'm not so sure that I'm happy with you."

Hotch nodded understandingly, sorry for the position that he'd inadvertently put her in. Sorry for the position he put them all in. "I guess I can understand that." He told her sincerely. "You have to know that I would never do anything to hurt JJ. I only want the best for her."

Despite what she knew to be true and what she told Derek she couldn't help replying. "That may not be you, Hotch."

He nodded sagely. "I'm well aware of that Penelope." He reached over and squeezed her arm. "Please give JJ my lo..best and," He hesitated a moment before swallowing hard and adding softly, "Tell her I miss her."

Garcia watched as he turned and exited the room her eyes trailing him as he walked down the hallway. She exhaled a long whistle before turning towards Morgan who had been patiently waiting. "Yeah, screw pretty sure. I'm absolutely positive that he's in love with JJ."

Derek nodded. He'd seen the look on the man's face when he exited the room. "He probably has been for a while." He responded thoughtfully, honestly a little surprised by the revelation.

Garcia gave him a knowing smile. "Kind of hit me the same way. At first I was disappointed in both her and Hotch but then I look at them. Really look at them, and it kind of stunned me that I didn't see it before."

Derek nodded in agreement. "There have been a couple of times when I thought," he broke off with a shrug, "Well, it was always kind of fleeting, and I guess I convinced myself that I imagined it." He shook his head in wonder.

Garcia frowned up at him. "Then why was Rossi your first guess?"

Morgan rolled his eyes, he had blown that one. "Hotch can be kind of a tight ass with all his strict morals and Rossi, well, Rossi…"

"Is totally banging Strauss." Garcia quipped as the pair headed back to their respective offices.

"What?!" Derek stopped abruptly causing her to stumble into him. "That's, that's…"

"Old news, it's been going on for almost a year now." She shook her head. "You know, for a profiler you miss a lot of stuff that goes on right in front of your face."

"So what, are _you_ going to be JJ's replacement? Have you been taking the courses?" He sputtered, more than a little miffed at the things he didn't know.

Garcia giggled. "Don't be ridiculous. My genius is needed behind the keyboard." She said smugly then raised a brow. "But I'm glad that you acknowledge that I _could_ do it."

He smirked and dropped his arm across her shoulders companionably. "Sure, until you had to go to a live crime scene and actually see real live blood splatter." His comment produced the desired effect.

"Ew, gross." Garcia wrinkled her nose. "No thank you."

Derek chuckled. "That's what I thought, smarty pants. Anything else I should know? Reid and Blake aren't shacking up are they?"

"Not that I'm aware of. If that happens you'll be the first to know." She promised him.

**Thanks for reading! I hope you are all still reading... Fingers crossed. As always, I appreciate any and all feedback. **


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